


like peter losing wendy

by hawkeyeandthewintersoldier



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depressed Steve Rogers, Dreams and Nightmares, Forehead Kisses, Guilt, Lack of Communication, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Steve Rogers Has PTSD, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 12:07:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29733642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hawkeyeandthewintersoldier/pseuds/hawkeyeandthewintersoldier
Summary: After hearing Bucky doesn’t want Steve anywhere near him, Steve has no desire to leave his bed or to do anything at all. He sees no appeal in life without Bucky.Keeping Steve safe is the only thing Bucky cares about.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 29
Kudos: 113





	like peter losing wendy

**Author's Note:**

> So this has a lot more angst than my usual works. Steve and Bucky deal with a lot of things so please keep the tags in mind. I will add some more detailed warnings in the end note in case anyone needs them! 
> 
> I wasn't sure what to rate this but settled on a Teen rating. If it should be different please let me know. 
> 
> The title is from Taylor Swift's Cardigan. 
> 
> Even though I made myself sad while writing this I hope you enjoy reading this fic! 💕

Steve has buried himself underneath a dozen blankets. He doesn’t want to move. He doesn’t want to do anything at all. It hurts too much and he doesn’t know how to make it stop hurting. Bucky is alive, but he’s not here. He doesn’t want to be. When Steve and Sam finally caught up with him, Steve had been so hopeful. He allowed himself to imagine what it would be like to have Bucky near him again. And then all of his hopes and dreams were crushed. He should be used to it by now, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like hell. That Bucky telling him he has no interest in being near Steve isn’t the worst thing he has ever heard. 

Bucky told them to never follow him or contact him again. Steve obeyed. Even though he hates it, even though it’s killing him, because he doesn’t want to hurt Bucky. Violate him the way Hydra did. The way Steve already did when he couldn’t catch him, when he let him fall from that train and didn’t look for the man he loves more than anything in the world. No wonder Bucky doesn’t want anything to do with him. Steve failed him. He has known it since that day in the Alps and now Bucky has confirmed it. 

Steve shifts and adjusts his pillow. His face is wet with tears. He can’t stop crying. He feels as horrible as that dreadful day when Bucky fell, if not worse. He hasn’t left his bed in days, though he can’t say for certain just how long it has been. The days tend to blur together when he gets this way. He has no plans to leave his bed anytime soon. Though he knows that if he keeps this up much longer his friends will get worried. They’ll make him leave his bed. Eat. Shower. He knows it’s because they care, that they mean well, but it’s hard to actually feel that right now. He thinks it would be easier if they didn’t care, if they just let him rot away like he deserves. Then he could just… leave. He doesn’t want to live in a world without Bucky anymore. He can’t. He’s just so fucking tired. 

He closes his eyes and falls asleep. In his dreams he sees Bucky. Happy moments, living together, kissing him, and planning a future together. His dreams taunt him, they show him everything he no longer gets to have. And then the dreams turn into nightmares. He knows the scenes by heart now. Bucky falling as they are surrounded by ice-cold snow. Bucky falling all the way down and Steve’s empty hands because he can never catch him, can never keep him safe. The plane crashing and then Steve waking up in a strange future where everything is loud and confusing and he’s so damn lonely and Bucky’s not there. Then Bucky hovering above him, beating into him. Steve remembers hoping that he was still in there somewhere deep inside. That his friend, that his love, was still there. And then Bucky tells him he doesn’t want Steve. That he hates him and wants nothing to do with him. The final scene is new but it’s the worst one. 

Steve wakes with a soft gasp. He’s never been one to scream himself awake, his terror has always been a silent torture. He hears footsteps inside his room and someone must have opened the curtains because light fills the room and it hurts Steve’s eyes. He doesn’t care. He figures it’s probably Nat or Sam. He turns around and nestles further into his blankets. He wonders if it’s an intruder. If it is, he hopes they make it quick. He won’t fight them. 

* * *

It’s the right thing, Bucky keeps telling himself. Steve shouldn’t be around him. It’s not safe. Bucky is too tainted to be around someone as good as Steve. He can’t make him become tainted too. Still, it killed him to tell Steve to leave. It hurt to watch as the light in Steve’s eyes dimmed and the way his hand trembled ever so slightly as he accepted Bucky’s words. Bucky’s no fool, he knows how deeply his words have cut Steve. Knows that they probably hurt more than any physical blow ever could. But he had to do it. It’s the only way to keep Steve safe. 

He’s been watching Steve, though. Making sure he’s actually safe. The need to protect Steve, to look after him, is ingrained deep inside of him. Bucky doesn’t know a whole lot about himself or the world but he knows Steve must always be protected, must always be kept from harm. He remembers… it’s not a vivid memory, his brain is too scrambled for that, but he remembers Steve being smaller. Coughing? Bucky must have looked after him then too. Of course, back then looking after him meant staying near him. Now Bucky must put this distance between them. He’s very careful when he watches Steve. Always makes sure that Steve can’t see him. Bucky can’t stand to see the pain in his eyes again. He can’t give Steve hope, just to take it away. Besides, he fears that if he gets too close he won’t have the strenght to stay away from him anymore and he can’t do that to Steve either. 

But then days go by, during which Bucky watches from an empty apartment across the road, and Steve’s curtains remain closed. There’s no one coming in or out of the house either. That’s not right. Even when Steve was chasing Bucky, he had a clear routine. He went on a run each morning, no matter where they were in the world, and then he would buy some food. His friends dropped by frequently. And he kept himself busy whenever he didn’t have a lead on where Bucky might be. 

It’s been two weeks since Bucky told Steve he doesn’t want him in his life and it’s been 8 days since Bucky last saw Steve. Something is wrong. Bucky has failed to keep Steve safe. He has failed his only mission... He has to fix this. He has to make sure Steve is still alive and then do whatever it takes to make sure he stays alive. Because the thought of Steve dying? No. Bucky can’t stand it. It makes him feel nauseous and unsteady and he hates it. 

He quickly makes his way downstairs and crosses the street. He’s on guard as he picks the lock of Steve’s house. He has a fully loaded gun, knives, and of course the arm. He’s prepared for any enemy he might face. What he is not prepared for is Steve lying underneath a bunch of blankets, his face scarily pale and stained with tears. His body is still, too still. Bucky checks his pulse. It’s there. He lets out a sigh of relief. He has to figure out what to do. He obviously can’t stay, it would only hurt Steve more. But looking at him now, well, Steve can’t be on his own either. Not when he’s like this. He needs help. Bucky thinks that he should inform Steve’s friends somehow. That’s good. They will help Steve.

He opens the curtains and the windows. Just as Bucky decides to make his exit, Steve wakes with a gasp. Bucky freezes. He thinks he has been caught but Steve just turns around and pulls his blanket over his head. He seems resigned, uncaring that he could be in danger. Like he has just given up. Bucky feels in his very core that that ain’t right. Steve Rogers never fucking quits. 

Bucky sighs and carefully pulls away some of the blankets until he can see Steve’s face. Tears cling to his lashes. Bucky kneels beside Steve’s bed, then reaches out slowly and touches Steve’s cheek. He remembers doing this before. Before Hydra. Before the war. He shouldn’t now but it’s so damn hard not to. Despite everything, Steve is still the guy Bucky loves, and his face feels warm in the palm of his hand. 

“I must still be dreaming,” Steve’s voice shakes. “God, I’m so sorry Buck. I know you ain’t really here. Told me to fuck off and leave you alone. And I understand.” Steve’s tears are streaming down his face, onto Bucky’s hand. “I failed you,” Steve whispers, “I didn’t save you. I’d hate me too. I do.” 

Bucky shudders. Steve’s not supposed to talk like that. Bucky could never hate him, that’s not why he had to leave. He takes a deep breath and turns his eyes upward for a moment. 

“You listen to me you stupid fucking punk,” Bucky says, “that’s some fucking bullshit you’ve let tumble out of your mouth just now. Failing me?  _ Hating you? _ Stupidest shit I’ve ever heard.” 

“Buck…” Steve sobs. “If not… then why?” 

“To keep you safe. I can’t… it ain’t right for a monster like me to be around a guy like you.” Bucky looks away. “You deserve a better life.” 

Suddenly Steve’s hand is on his face, turning it so he’s forced to look into Steve’s eyes. 

“That’s some fucking bullshit too,” Steve says. “You ain’t some monster and you don’t get to tell me what I can and cannot do. If you don’t want me near you I will accept that. But don’t do this out of some stupid belief that that it’ll make my life better cause life without you ain’t worth living.” He swallows. “Please Buck.” 

“You’re a fucking stubborn bastard,” Bucky grumbles. 

“Yeah, well… I’ve always been, haven’t I?” 

Bucky has no memories to back that statement up but it sounds about right. Something about an idiot with no self-preservation rings a bell. 

“You’re just going to get yourself hurt, aren’t you?” Bucky sighs. “Good Lord, Stevie. I just wanna do right by you, you punk. Just need to keep you safe.” His hand trembles and his eyes fill with tears. 

“Then keep me safe, but do it here. Please,” Steve begs. 

Bucky nods, then presses their foreheads together. 

“Okay, I’ll stay Stevie.” 

He gets up, then sits down on the bed. He brushes Steve’s hair from his face. Then he presses a gentle kiss to Steve’s forehead. 

“I’m gonna keep you safe,” Bucky promises. 

“‘M gonna keep you safe too, Buck,” Steve says, “‘till the end of the line.” 

“‘Till the end of the line.” 

And it’s not all fixed straight away. He and Steve both have their demons and it’s going to take a long time to deal with those but maybe, maybe it’s better if they fight those demons together. Bucky might not feel worthy of Steve and of his love, but he’ll do anything to keep him safe. 

* * *

“‘Till the end of the line,” Bucky says and Steve still can’t quite believe this is all real. That Bucky’s here, really here. 

It doesn’t stop Steve from being exhausted and overwhelmed. He doesn’t stop blaming himself. It just stops being unbearable now that Bucky’s around. 

Bucky lies down and pulls Steve into his arms. He holds him tightly like he used to and it’s incredible. Even if this does turn out to be a dream, Steve will take the momentary reprieve because this is all he has ever wanted. 

When Steve wakes up in the morning, Bucky’s still there. He’s not going anywhere, he assures Steve, and pulls him back into his arms. This is exactly where they are both meant to be. 

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings  
> Suicide thoughts: Steve says it would be easier if his friends didn't care so he could just leave. He also says life without Bucky isn't worth living. When he thinks there might be an intruder in his home he says he won't fight them. It is implied Steve is suicidal and at the very least doesn't care if he dies. 
> 
> There is also a moment where Bucky thinks Steve might be dead and checks his pulse. Bucky also refers to himself as a monster at some point. Steve has nightmares about Bucky’s fall, the plane crash, and the fight on the helicarier. 
> 
> (If you are here after reading, thanks for reading this! If you want to say hi I am also hawkeyeandthewintersoldier on tumblr 💕)


End file.
